Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Oceanography is all about current events
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*