Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.