When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
You Might Also Like
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.