Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
those birds must be on payroll
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN