waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Happy Friday
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
How to properly lift a body
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.