Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My dad teaching me to drive
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those