I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.