The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.