A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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This kinda thing happens to me often
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
What a kind woman! 😂😂
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”