A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You Might Also Like
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
All is fair in drunk and war.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers