Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.