if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
when the buffet is more honest than your date
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.