Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby