Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.