I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds