Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!