[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
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AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy