CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?