When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?