my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah