[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.