Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
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Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
There are no pants in heaven.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car