My time has come.
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“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Don’t tell me what to do
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.