Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.