Need this in my life lol
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.