Velcrow
You Might Also Like
my favorite genre of twitter
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?