Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
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Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.