Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
life finds a way
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee