Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours