Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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