6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.