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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.