ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
ok like just. call me at this point
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.