*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Finally, an explanation.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions