I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Extremely relatable.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY