The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.