After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius