Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis