Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*