Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Which wines pair best with gloating?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.