Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”