Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”