Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
(more comics: