Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.