2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.