Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.