Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.