My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC