HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Challenge accepted.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
😅🤣😂
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.