“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.